"holidays and divorce."

The holidays are times that emphasize family togetherness. If your family is together, be grateful for that. A loving, intact family is a profound treasure. All your efforts to "make it work" have succeeded thus far. Congratulations. Keep up the good work. Don’t take your marriage for granted.

On the other hand, if your holidays are clouded by divorce, you have a special heartbreak to deal with. The more difficult the divorce, the more difficult the holidays — and the more maturity and self-control you’ll need to get through them.

No matter how tough it is, stick with the basic values of sharing, respect, and love-for-the-kids. Remember, no matter what you do, there will be some times when you’ll feel sad, and some times when you’ll feel lonely. That’s the way it is for all divorced families.

Here are some suggestions for doing the best you can with holidays and divorce:

1. Share your children.

Do unto your —ex, as you would have your —ex do unto you.

Help your —ex have some good quality time with your kids; don’t interfere with that.

2. Remember that the holidays are hard for the kids too:

Speak kindly about your —ex to your children.

As parents, the two of you choose the holiday visiting schedule; don’t make the kids choose between you.

Talk directly to your —ex; don’t use the kids as messengers or delivery boys and girls between you.

3. Tell your kids you love them. Say:

"I love you."

"Your mom (dad) loves you."

"We both want you to be happy."

"We each want to be with you."

4. Take care of yourself at the moment of empty-arms:

When your children have just left you, you’re probably going to feel empty, lonely, and sad. Make a plan for yourself: Is there a friend you can talk to? A book you want to read? A place for you to go? Something for you to do? Find some way to take good care of yourself too.

If there’s no divorce in your family, be grateful for what you’ve got. Don’t take it for granted. Keep up the good work of keeping your family together.